3 PERKARA YANG I ALWAYS FIKIR WHEN I AM ALONE [OVERTHINKING EDITION]

I do overthinking like banyak sangat sangat. I fikir pasal banyak benda. It happens a lot especially sekarang when i am actually alone most of the times. The only time yang i rasa tak alone sangat is when i go to work. But still a little tiny part of me just wanna get out of there. Maksud I, siapa ja kan suka pergi kerja? HAHA okay la i know there are some people who loves going to work, no offend to that kind of people. You do you. But bila i kerja kan, i feel kinda free like busy and preoccupied make my mind feel so free.

But for me kan, I do think a lot. my thought kan was like running wildly in my mind. They just sit there for hours and hours and driving me crazy. I tak suka but at the same time I tak benci. It keeps me sane. Tapikan... i felt so emotional after a long thinking and thoughts in my mind. Oh wait, i am about to cry now :') I tak tahu if i can finish this entry by today. I'll try. (update: i siapkan this entry in 1 week haha)

So these are like 3 things that I always think when I am alone:

1) AM I GOOD ENOUGH?

I always think that i am good. But is it ENOUGH? I mean, i pandai, independent, baik, kinda pretty but i never think that i am that GOOD. I always think that I am lacking in some ways. But normal la kan, tak ada siapa pun perfect. I blame myself a lot especially at the times bila i tak boleh capai apa i nak. I put efforts on it and i tak dapat? Can you believe that? I am that bad. I am not that good. I am not good enough.

Lately, i got into a minor car accident. It's my fault. When orang tanya i, 'are you okay?' my answer will always 'yes'. YES???? In fact that i am not. I am not okay. I am trauma and keep blaming myself for the things that happened. I don't know how to deal with it. I fikir macam even driving.. the thing that i always do for years pun i can't even control yet. I keep messing things up. I am not good at anything, like at all.

2) AM I A BORING PERSON?

The answer will always be YES. I memang boring pun. I am an introvert. My life is just like sitting in my room, writing, be with my phone doing somethings that is not fun at all. I usually tengok orang keluar and have fun especially with friends and families. I found all that SO irritating. Merimaskan to be honest, but there are times when i have to go out too and maybe have some fun, i mean a normal fun?? I am trying so hard to fit in.

I fikir macam if i do things that people do, i will be able to be the same level of excitement and happiness too. I tengok semua orang is having fun, so i have to do the same. But am i really enjoying myself? What if, my boring life is what actually makes me feel so happy?

3) AM I ANNOYING?

Fuh, i tak tahu about all of you. But for me, bila i macam terlebih happy or terlebih feeling or whatever you might call that, i tend to be so active. Tak la active like melompat lompat or whatever pun. I macam sometimes post my picture on instagram story (i rarely post my picture), lepastu i macam tweet my feeling and BAAM! after that i rasa macam wow annoyingnya i.

People do it everyday, they tweet benda yang entah apa apa and post their picture literally all the times with videos and filters. But when i do the same, i found myself so annoying. Let just say that i tak ada confidence for that. I usually akan cepat cepat delete and make myself out of social media presence for a long long time.

That la usually what I always feel. I am not so suka sangat pun with my perangai ni tau. But i percaya everyone must be overthinking too from time to time. I think it is actually normal? Asalkan tak la sampai korang ikut sangat perasaan korang and try to make it it 'sederhana'.

So tell me, apa benda yang korang selalu overthinking lately?

xoxo.